Yet Another Test to Measure Something That Doesn’t Need Measuring (But Is Still Sort Of Interesting)

Over the years I have come upon a simple test to determine who is on your side and who isn’t. I’m not talking about all-out ideological warfare with people you can’t stand.

This test simply confirms for you what you know to be true about the relationship you have with someone. I’ve tested this at the workplace, though it is likely applicable in other settings as well.

Here’s the test: Just ask, “Do you like me?”

Okay, that’s a joke–that’s not the test! Though on reflection, that could be an interesting activity for an hour at work…I’ll consider that and get back to you.

What I mean is this: when it’s the end of the work day and you pass someone, see how that person greets you. If they say, “hello,” you probably don’t have a close relationship with that person. If the person says, “goodbye,” or some other farewell, then you two are simpatico. A farewell delivered at the end of the day indicates a mutually shared feeling of collegiality–even if you two didn’t actually see each other all day, there is a shared sense of purpose and an acknowledgement that the two of you were slaving away for the Man for eight hours. If you get a hello at the end of the day from a colleague, the suggestion is that you could be anyone at all. You may well not be that close to the person. An end-of-day hello is most appropriate for greeting a guest to the workplace or someone else who normally isn’t there.

A similar test is the ‘morning test.’ People who you see for the first time in the morning will greet you with a ‘hello’ or ‘hi’ if you’re not that close. A ‘good morning’ shows a closer relationship. If a person does give an appropriate greeting, that doesn’t mean you are in fact close, but a disparate greeting does suggest emotional distance. This test can go off the rails in many ways. The closer you are to someone in friendship, the greater the latitude in response without it necessarily suggesting anything at all.

I’ve observed all this primarily in the halls of grade schools. Perhaps all bets are off in other work places. Try it for yourself, though, and see. Won’t be one hundred percent accurate, but I’m willing to bet there will be a high correlation. After passing people, you’ll be nodding your head and saying, “Yep–that person’s greeting does generally reflect where we stand with each other.”

Since we’re on the topic, allow me to extend this discussion a bit. I used to teach my students about the “Law of Balance” or the “Give One Get One” rule, or the “Just Trust Me On This” rule. Simply put, there should be an equilibrium in simple exchanges. Person B should match Person A’s language in form and/or formality.

Examples:

A: Hello.

B: Hello.

A: Hello, how are you?

B: I’m fine. And how are you?

A: Have a good afternoon.

B: You too, thanks.

Whether we should engage in niceties like this is another question altogether–much ink has been spilled on the mindlessness of it all. However, these exchanges are a reality and can reflect the state of relationships.

If Person B responds in a lower degree of formality than Person A, there is something slightly awry with the relationship.

If you say ‘hello,’ and get a ‘hi’ back–not so good.

However, exceeding the other person’s degree of formality is okay. “Hello” is an okay response to “hi.”

I am dubious about writing on this topic at all and have put it off for years. On the surface, it feels highly formulaic and mechanical and completely useless as a way to understand the world. Even if it is highly correlative, do we need such a test?

No.

I live in a world of constant assessment. Education loves assessment, let me tell you, and it loves rubrics and procedures and protocols and standards and aligning this with that–as if it makes any difference.

What’s important in life can’t be quantified.

And yet, the “Give One Get One” rule still hangs about in my thinking after all these years. Even if you think that my grand pronouncements that simple interchanges can indicate that ‘something is awry’ is hogwash (and I’m not convinced it isn’t), consider this: Humans like symmetry. Matching a person’s language both in content and formality is a form of symmetry as well as attention.  Same for body language–we often match posture with conversational partners. “I’m with you,” is the underlying message. And that can’t be all bad.

So look out for simple exchanges in passing–take the initiative to offer a greeting and see what the response is and whether there’s a correlation with your relationship. Let me know what you find!

—————

Like comic anthologies? Get Kevin’s Making a Difference in the World Today, Volume 1 of a “97 by Kevin” Cartoon Collection. Available on Amazon.com.

Also now available: The Adventures of Kevin, Chief Jester In Puerto Rico. This is a special, hand-bound graphic travelogue full of illustration and adventure! See KevinMuirPublishing.com for details.